Friday, August 5

This outrageous little item appeared today in Weed News:

Romero Tops Voter Poll

Raoul Romero was the winner of Thursday’s televised mayoral debate according to a poll of 100 Weed voters taken by The Weed News. Those polled were asked who won the debate and why they thought so.

Twenty-eight respondents or 28 percent named Romero as the victor. Of those, 22 said they favored Romero because he is tall. Placing second was Margo Butkus with 24 respondents, 18 of whom said they liked Butkus’ smile.

Email to Mary Vivian:

TV is a visual medium. Viewers react emotionally to what they see more than thoughtfully to what they hear.

Email from Mary Vivian:

Gee whiz!  I never would have guessed that having been married 40 years to a TV news anchor turned marketing VP. Look, add Romero’s 22 with Margo’s 18, and at least 40 people out of 100 didn’t hear much of anything!!! Obviously Weed’s favorite pastime influenced those polled. Guess what that is?

Email to Mary Vivian:

Something I’d take to if I lived in Weed.

Email from Mary Vivian:

Please post following on my website ASAP:

More than one person has asked me this week what I think of one candidate, whom I shan’t name, claiming the family of another candidate, whom I shan’t name, has had long and close ties to the Communist regime in Cuba. I’ve responded like a good Christian by saying I must reserve my judgment until all the facts are in.

Email to Mary Vivian:

Is this true?

Email from Mary Vivian:

It will be.

Tuesday, August 9

Article in The Weed News:

Romero Target of Whispering Campaign

Mayoral candidate Raoul Romero described as slanderous a whispering campaign he alleges was started by opponent Rutherford B. Hayes VII that claims Romero’s family has close ties with the Marxist Cuban government.

“The Hayeses have talked trash about my family ever since I was 10 and trick-or-treated at their house wearing a Tricky Dick mask,” Romero said.

Hayes denied any involvement in the whispering campaign but added similar allegations about the Romeros were rampant in Weed “long before Raoul went trick-or-treating.”  

“When the Romeros moved here, which was just after the Cuban Crisis in ‘61, there was talk about how they looked too Nordic to be Cubans,” Hayes said. “Because of their crude behavior, most in town suspected they were not of Swedish descent as they claimed but were really Russian subversives sent here by Nikita Khrushchev.”

Other mayoral candidates weighed in on the controversy:

Sol Pine said he finds it difficult to believe that Romero is Russian but added, “Regulars at the 12 O’clock High bar say Raoul and his best bud Alex Dumkov rarely miss a night taking straight shots of vodka.”

Tucker Carlson, Sr. said Russian or not, “Romero should not suffer for the sins of his father, grandfather or any ancestor.” Carlson continued: “Nobody should know this better than Rutherford B. Hayes VII considering his ancestors President Hayes and the President’s son Rutherford B. II were known to have erotic episodes with geese.”

“Shocking!” was Fiona Polk-Finkle first reaction to the controversy. However, she then said: “So what if Raoul Romero is a spy for Vladmir Putin or Rutherford B. Hayes is a sick sexual degenerate? Instead of focusing on why people are disgusting, we need to focus on the qualities that make them liked.”

“I seriously doubt any of these allegations can be supported by facts,” said Mary Vivian Adams. “Still, whether laundry is actually dirty or only imagined dirty, airing it on a national TV show, as I fear it’s bound to be, can only spell trouble for us in Weed.”

Asked her opinion, Margo Butkus said: “Dunno.”

“Sorry. I didn’t anticipate I’d need to prepare for questions like this running for mayor,” Butkus said. “I thought I’d be asked such things as how I’d bring about street repairs, keep our citizens safe from crime, stimulate the local economy, address city zoning issues, and things like that.”

Asked to name and respond to a specific question she did prepare for, Butkus said: “Well, I am concerned about a request by a company to rezone our closed par 3 golf course to allow development of an RV park. I researched Bigelow Parks, the company behind the request, and discovered it owns three RV parks in California. Yes, all are successful. But all also advertise that wearing clothing is optional. I called and they said, yes, nudity is common which is why they only take reservations over the phone and allow potential customers to tour their parks before committing. Now, I for one would support the rezoning only if Bigelow Parks agrees that clothing will be required at its Weed facility. Sorry nudists but that’s what I think.”

Friday, August 12

Article in The Weed News:

City Council Nixes Nudist Colony

The Weed City Council voted 5-0 Thursday to deny a request by Frank Ottaviano to rezone land once a par 3 golf course to allow development of an RV park. Sale of the land by Ottaviano to Bigelow Parks was contingent on approval of the rezoning.

The vote was a triumph for mayoral candidate Margo Butkus, whose research of Bigelow Parks revealed three other RV parks owned by the company promoted nudity.

Butkus’ revelation earlier this week turned the under-the-radar rezoning proposal into the talk of the town. Several outdoor amenities inviting nudity were planned for the park, including an Olympic-size swimming pool, four hot tubs, a volleyball court and two massage tables.

“You will not find an RV park in California more successful than ours,” Buzz Bigelow, owner of Biglow Parks, told the City Council. “Considering the financial benefits this park will bring to Weed, I’d say it’s an insignificant tradeoff to allow people inside the park’s borders to show a little skin.”

Also speaking on behalf of the park were mayoral candidates Sol Pine and Tucker Carlson, Sr.

“This park will be a magnate for attracting outside dollars to our local economy,” argued Pine, a Realtor representing Ottaviano in the transaction.

Carlson maintained the park would be a key component to Weed upgrading to the 21st Century.  “People are juiced about this TV series, but how long do you think that will be on the air if this town continues wearing a chastity belt?” Carlson said. “Weeders need to decide: Are we going to roost or are we going to cut loose?”  

Although Mayor Millie Punter observed that an “RV park would be a perfect fit for Weed,” she agreed with Butkus that it would fit “only if Bigelow Parks contractually agrees inhabitants in Weed’s park must be clothed when outside their RVs.”

Bigelow called the mayor’s proposal “unacceptable.”

Said Pine: “What people wear or don’t wear inside a private RV park should be nobody’s business but their own. I thought we were living in the State of Jefferson! What happened to freedom, people? Freedom!”

But Butkus countered with documentation of controversies arising from Bigelow’s three parks, most notably one in Wilmer, Calif., which became the location for the porn film “Trailer Park Ass.”

“I have here a police report that details how the star of that film—a Mr. King Dong—drove into town naked and was arrested at a liquor store for DUI and indecent exposure,” Butkus said. “We do not need King Dongs running amok in our Christian neighborhoods. Anyway, that’s what I think.”

So also thought a unanimous City Council.

Tuesday, August 16

Article in The Weed News:

Turnabout in Race for Mayor

A poll of 100 Weed voters taken by The Weed News found Margo Butkus now tops all candidates for mayor. Butkus, who placed second in a poll taken following the August 4 mayoral debate, replaced Raoul Romero in the top spot. Romero finished second in the recent polling.

Those polled were asked who won the debate and why they thought so.

Thirty respondents or 30 percent named Butkus as the winner. Of those, 20 said they favored Butkus because they agreed with her stances on the issues. Romero was the pick of 28 respondents, 22 of whom said they preferred Romero because he is tall.

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